Trigger warning: self-esteem, self-depreciation
After some encouragement and reading countless stories on this blog, I have felt a little more and more motivated to write down my account, for anyone like me who needs a little push, or a little encouragement to tell themselves that they are beautiful. I am so thankful that I have taken my first baby steps toward loving myself after all these years, and this is my first pebble I’d like to toss, to get the ripple effect going, one which says this: I am beautiful, and proud to be me.
I will begin by saying this: I have been diagnosed with a few things out of my control, but not necessarily things that define me or my attitude. There are things I haven’t been diagnosed for, things I will come to accept or change about myself, once I come to terms with whether or not it’s a part of me that’s good for me.
I was diagnosed first with a blood disorder, then bipolar II, then I made the biggest step forward in my life that has changed my life for so many good reasons: I told the truth about myself. I am a transgender guy. I was born with a female body, with everything else about me screaming YOU ARE MALE.
For years I thought the major part of my depression stemmed from my poor body esteem. For years I tried to cope and find me.
My poor body image, however, came long before I came out. I had been a few pounds underweight for a good portion of my life, but I still hated the small stomach I had. I never wore flattering clothes, and always tried to hide my body.
I thought surgery would change this, as though eliminating the parts of me I was unhappy about would suddenly bring about a miraculous era of love for myself. Instead I was greeted with the side effects of medication and surgery: keloids and weight gain. The perfect chest I’d always dreamed of came with drawbacks, the scars will never heal and they caused 18 months of physical pain before I could finally afford help in terms of dermatology.
I have had binge eating problems (where I eat, and feel guilty about it later, or “I eat my emotions.”) and now I am finally facing those issues because they are finally visible. Now I have stretch marks everywhere. Knees, thighs, back, stomach, arms, chest, you name it. My body image and self-esteem are at the lowest point they have ever been, and having the doctors tell me I need to lose weight repeatedly has never helped, or motivated me. Because of my chronic depression, I feel even less motivation to get around to “feeling better about me.” There was a time in my life where I absolutely thought I couldn’t take it anymore, and a year later I wound up checking myself into a hospital to prevent myself from taking my own life.
You know what though? I’m proud that I did that. I would not become the amazing person I am today if I had given in. And I’m proud that I admitted I needed help. Everyone thinks that if you go to a hospital for “mental issues,” you are crazy. I actually remember, however, this five day experience as one of the happiest times of my life. I learned that there was nothing wrong with me, I am beautiful the way I am. My second problem was that I didn’t love or accept the people around me, and that I couldn’t see that I am strong, wise, inspirational, and brave.
I am still working on my self-esteem as I’ve said, but I want to truly love me, and part of me is loving and accepting this vessel I was given. You only get one, as they say. Part of loving me means loving who I am and what makes me the wonderful person I am.
I want you to know above all, there are people like you out there. There are people whose surgeries didn’t give them the body of a god/goddess. There are people out there just like you who struggle just like you. I am one of these people. And I don’t care who you are or what your situation is.
YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL, and I love you. Never let anyone make you feel/tell you otherwise.
I am willing to listen if you ever need to talk, and also willing to make friends here.
My blog is: fullmetalchampion
BE BRAVE! JOIN THE BODY PEACE REVOLUTION!