Triggers: eating disorder, self-bruising, hideously negative attitudes towards body
This is my fourth time submitting. Maybe fifth.
I have not gotten over my body insecurities, if anything, it’s gotten worse, way worse. I feel embarrassed that after four times of chest-thumping and pledges to ‘fucking love myself’, I’ve not achieved it, and the other peoples’ declarations have started to sound hollow.
The more expletives I read, the more slogan they sound, the more I think: “Give it a week, sweetheart, you’re back to square one.”
I’m sure I am not alone here. But it is so important to remember that a road to body acceptance can be very long. It may never end, death may get you first. There is nothing wrong with failing to achieve self-love over a short period or time. One surge in confidence is not going to fix a problem that has been going on for years.
My eating is erratic at best and I keep stretching parts of my face to see what they’d look like if they were symmetrical.
I persevere though. For me, it is most important to realise that I am still able to say to myself (and believe it): one day I will be fine. Not now, maybe not ever, but I still believe. As long as one believes it, they’re fighting for it. There is still hope. I don’t take fists to my chest and arms and thighs any more. I’ve, despite my present feelings, already achieved something. Or maybe I’m just growing old. Sometimes I feel like I should keep my mouth shut, because I’m a ‘conventionally attractive physically healthy slim white girl” in a very conservative North-Eastern European society whose majority gives absolute hell to people who are not ‘normative’, and all my complaints and insecurities are invalid, that I should ‘grow the fuck up. Then, at 21 (plenty young but not young enough) I often feel like I’m being immature. How do I combat something that I often even don’t perceive as a ‘real problem’?
I have no idea how to approach my own problems in a sensible way, or whether they’re even real. I’m at a loss. I still hope though. Hope is good. I hope- no, I KNOW that I will be free of this one day.
But if you’ve lost it, if all hope is gone, and you’ll feel like you’re forever on a path of war against your body and there is no way out, please don’t feel bad. You have not ‘failed’. This isn’t a bloody contest, a game. It’s just… I don’t know, being human.
I hope it will get better for all. Good luck.
All the best
About the photograph: this is my buddy, Cat. He has seen me naked a lot. Little shit has seen me trying to cover my bedroom mirror with paper, seen me pinching every part of body, seen me trampling around the apartment hurling verbal abuse at myself. Very few people know the extent of what has been going on, but Cat has seen it all. Cat knows. It’s important to me that he is on a photograph that I chose to accompany this uncomfortably brain-baring submission.
BE BRAVE! JOIN THE BODY PEACE REVOLUTION!