Posts tagged skinny
Posts tagged skinny
So I don’t do modeling anymore because I got sick of the “inauthenticity” of that world and the other models themselves. I also don’t do it anymore because I was too stressed by my eating disorders (oh, the fact that I am a model is not the cause of my ED. I was assigned as female at birth but I identify more with a boy than a girl. I started to restrict my food because of my “female curves” I mean I though initially, that I would become a “straight line”. I’m kinda 10 kg under my form-weight and I have such a disproportionate body. I can see my hip bones and there is no fat in my flanks area, but they are so fucking biggest than my bust. I just made my female structure more visible and it sucks, but it’s late. For a year I changed my food plan so many times and every time I start to see some changes in my body but they suddenly disappear. It can happen with my arms, flanks, and also with my protruding bones. EDs play with your life. EDs are stupid and get us stupid too, making us think stupid things and making us live people and things we loved. They all get on the background in favor of our eating disorder. It sucks, you agree? I have a good therapist, people continue to tell me that I’m skinny and perfect but “perfect” sounds TOO fat to me. I feel like recovery just isn’t possible. Am I unable to see how I really am? I don’t know what to do
Triggers: eating disorder, self-bruising, hideously negative attitudes towards body
This is my fourth time submitting. Maybe fifth.
I have not gotten over my body insecurities, if anything, it’s gotten worse, way worse. I feel embarrassed that after four times of chest-thumping and pledges to ‘fucking love myself’, I’ve not achieved it, and the other peoples’ declarations have started to sound hollow.
The more expletives I read, the more slogan they sound, the more I think: “Give it a week, sweetheart, you’re back to square one.”
I’m sure I am not alone here. But it is so important to remember that a road to body acceptance can be very long. It may never end, death may get you first. There is nothing wrong with failing to achieve self-love over a short period or time. One surge in confidence is not going to fix a problem that has been going on for years.
My eating is erratic at best and I keep stretching parts of my face to see what they’d look like if they were symmetrical.
I persevere though. For me, it is most important to realise that I am still able to say to myself (and believe it): one day I will be fine. Not now, maybe not ever, but I still believe. As long as one believes it, they’re fighting for it. There is still hope. I don’t take fists to my chest and arms and thighs any more. I’ve, despite my present feelings, already achieved something. Or maybe I’m just growing old. Sometimes I feel like I should keep my mouth shut, because I’m a ‘conventionally attractive physically healthy slim white girl” in a very conservative North-Eastern European society whose majority gives absolute hell to people who are not ‘normative’, and all my complaints and insecurities are invalid, that I should ‘grow the fuck up. Then, at 21 (plenty young but not young enough) I often feel like I’m being immature. How do I combat something that I often even don’t perceive as a ‘real problem’?
I have no idea how to approach my own problems in a sensible way, or whether they’re even real. I’m at a loss. I still hope though. Hope is good. I hope- no, I KNOW that I will be free of this one day.
But if you’ve lost it, if all hope is gone, and you’ll feel like you’re forever on a path of war against your body and there is no way out, please don’t feel bad. You have not ‘failed’. This isn’t a bloody contest, a game. It’s just… I don’t know, being human.
I hope it will get better for all. Good luck.
All the best
About the photograph: this is my buddy, Cat. He has seen me naked a lot. Little shit has seen me trying to cover my bedroom mirror with paper, seen me pinching every part of body, seen me trampling around the apartment hurling verbal abuse at myself. Very few people know the extent of what has been going on, but Cat has seen it all. Cat knows. It’s important to me that he is on a photograph that I chose to accompany this uncomfortably brain-baring submission.
I’ve submitted here a couple of times before, but after seeing the pic from today that I’m submitting, I decided to do so again.
Years ago, I went to massage school, and we learned how to analyze various postures, so every time I look at a picture of my back, or of my exposed midriff, my eye automatically goes to the signs of scoliosis. In the above pic, it’s the lifted left shoulder, and the small mound on my left hip, where skin bunches because of my crooked back.
Now, my curve is minor, but I still need regular chiropractic treatment to prevent the migraines that the secondary curve in my neck cause, further breathing difficulties and absolutely horrid stabbing pains in my upper back.
To be honest, I’m not fond of wearing anything that reveals my back because of how it twists my body, and bras that fit well are also very hard to find, again because of that structural twist. But, y’know? If I like it enough, I’ll swallow my insecurity and rock that outfit with the best of ‘em. If people want to comment negatively, I’ll just put them to sleep with medical facts about bone structure and its effects on the rest of the body’s systems.
I realize the majority of people can’t see what I do, but that self consciousness is very much influenced by how much the world we live in stresses perfection and normalcy. Over the years, I’ve come to realize everyone’s state of ‘normalcy’ is different and there’s no such thing as ‘perfect’.
You don’t need to absolutely love everything about your body, but it’s a good idea to at least be comfortable in it. Furthermore, we are far, far more than the bodies we live in. Express your creativity and seek out the joy already in your life in the healthiest ways possible.
We each may look different. We each may have different issues, but we all share the common need to accept ourselves and make the best of what we have.
Today I had a special interview at school concerning my readiness for freshman year in high school. I had to get dressed up for the event. I can say today is one of those rare days that I actually felt pretty. I walked around feeling elegant, and loving the swish of my dress against my legs.
I can’t say I’m fully in love with my body yet. I still have some bad days where I look in the mirror or at a photo of me and shudder in disgust. I just hope one day I’ll be happy with my body so I can get on with my life and do things that I like
I know I’m not happy right now as a person, and that has nothing to do with my body but, if I can overcome this and love my body, then that will get me one step closer to finally becoming happy :)
I’m Jade. I have had short hair for a long time, in fact since I was about 17, or 18. I’ve been cutting my hair relatively short for about 2, 3 years now. I, as of 3 months ago, have started shaving my head. Like, to the skin. At first when I shaved it off I felt more feminine and beautiful than I did in a long long time. I felt like a million bucks. I couldn’t stop looking at how gorgeous I was, and I was so over the top in love with my looks.
And unfortunately, a lot of people in my family have been giving me a ton of shit for it. They’re constantly like “you’re not pretty without hair” or “when will you grow it out?” or my favorite “You’re not you without hair”.
I think the last thing is so stupid. You’re not you without hair. i think its stupid because I feel more like who i am than i ever have before. But i am trying to stay optimistic, i’m trying to keep a positive mindset, but I just wanted to share this. (:
Hi, my name is Ashley. This is a picture of me as of right now.
At my highest weight, I was 146lbs at 5’6. I was technically at a healthy weight. I ate everything I wanted and anything I wanted. I have been on and off anti-depression medication for my whole life and blamed my weight on the medication. Paxil is known for weight gain, but I never really tried to loose any of the weight.
I grew up always being compared to my skinny sister. Always was the “bigger sister” even though I was younger. Always the “bigger friend” or the “bigger boned” child. It never really affected me until my boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me. I fell into a deep depression and started to hate myself.
In the midst of that I had a close friend of mine who would constantly make comments about how I ate too much and looked chubby. All my negative emotions piled up and I began to blame all my problems on my weight. I got off my anti-depressants, worked out for hours and hours everyday, and started to eat healthier.
I dropped about 10lbs but that wasn’t enough. I kept vigorously working out every single day. My social life was gone, I was always in a bad mood. I woke up and worked out until I couldn’t feel my legs or arms anymore. I began eating healthier, but that turned into eating less and less a day. I started picking up shifts at work and purposely not packing a lunch so I couldn’t eat.
By last November I weighed in at about 120lbs. This is still a healthy weight for my height, but for my frame size, it was not. I went from a 34D to a 32B size in bra. My period had stopped for 7 months. I woke up and my day was only consumed with food. Avoiding the food. Running 10 miles a day on no food. People started commenting on the weight I had lost and it felt awesome.
But 120 wasn’t enough. I wanted to be 115. And so the cycle continued. I came to a point where my life was miserable.
Long story short, I am now back on my anti-depressants and have been feeling much better about myself. I have been in counseling and getting support from many people. Although I still would consider myself to have an eating disorder, I am not running everyday still but much less. I am forcing myself to eat throughout the day. I quit my job because I know it effected my anorexia problem.
In this picture, I am now back up to about 126-128lbs which is a number that terrifies me. But I know my body is starting to function properly again and I need to learn to love my body, not destroy it.
I’m still struggling with my body, but this website has helped me tremendously. If anyone is suffering from an eating disorder, please follow my personal blog. I could use support and would love to help you out.
Remember, you are beautiful. And you deserve to be happy whether you are 90lbs or 300lbs, it makes no difference. You are perfect.
Follow my person blog: http://beautyisjustlostnotgone.tumblr.com/
I distinctly remember wearing Abercrombie clothing in 6th grade and the long sleeve shirts were always super tight on my arms because I was a swimmer and my arms and shoulders were built. However, I never found that I had negative thoughts or worries regarding this like; I was proud of my muscular arms and I still am. I did 11 pull-ups for the fitness test in second grade; butterfly was my best swimming stroke. These arms served a purpose. Instead of focusing on the aesthetic aspect, I focused and still try my best to focus on the utility aspect—i.e. the things my arms do for me. This doesn’t mean that you have to be über strong or muscular—every part of you helps you to accomplish some amazing things, no matter what size that part of you is. Your thighs, no matter what size they are, are what allow you to pick up heavy items from off of the ground. Your calves, no matter what size they are, are what allow you to go on your tippy-tiptoes to get something off of a high shelf. Your abdominal muscles, even if you cannot see them, aid you in just about all physical activity you do (seriously, though, you use your abs for way more than you think.).
So if you are having thoughts about disliking your body or a particular part of it, just think of all of the amazing things that it/they have helped you to accomplish. And if you’re currently thinking “but my body isn’t good for anything”, I would say that you are wrong. Your body has enabled you to go volunteer somewhere, fight for something you are passionate about, bring a smile to someone else’s face, etc. Never forget the small things; they count just as much as the big things do. I know that you must be proud of things you have done and you should thank and appreciate your body for allowing you to do these great things.
P.S.- A lot of these positive thoughts have come to me through following Carly. She’s super awesome and inspirational and you should check out her blog!
TW: Self Harm, Suicide.
Hello! My name is Kiana. Never submitted to here before, but I’ve been following for awhile and it’s really helped get on the path to accept my own body image (I’m still working on it).
I have been self harming for 6 years. I’ve struggled with body positivity for even longer. The scars on my arms and thighs are awful- and it can be painful to look in the mirror some days. I am scarred from suicide attempts, I have thick thighs that touch, what is the makings of a beer belly and small boobs- and that’s okay. I don’t think I’m quite beautiful yet - and that’s okay as well. The road to completely loving oneself is a long one. And I’m not there yet- but I’m working on it. My body is mine and I need to accept it. And if I can accept it in this photo and share it with everyone here; that must be a step in the right direction. Yeah?
You guys are lovely. Stay strong. <3
This is me at my prom 2 years ago almost. my dress was hand made and the measurements came in as a uk size 4 but almost a 2 (america size 2 and 0).
This is one of the times I was at my lowest weight. I’ve never suffered from an ED but whenever I experience stress I can’t physically eat and I gain an acid reflux. I think I’ve always been insecure about my image as when I was younger I had a bit of puppy fat and didn’t look into makeup or hair straighteners etc till I was 13 so I was bullied for that too. Since Comprehensive school I had a lot of taunts for being flat chested, called anorexic, ugly, ginger etc. I’m still very insecure about how I look but I’m making a change. I’ve never been happy this skinny or underweight so the next step is to get to my goal weights :) I’m almost at my first target of 8st so I am getting there slowly but surely. it has taken me the 2 years almost 3 (I was medicated before to help me eat more)
I guess I just wanted to show people and maybe more aimed at younger followers that even being skinny doesn’t make everyone happy.. I suffer a lot illness wise (immune system is weaker the thinner you are as it has no fat to burn to have energy for anything let alone energy to fit infections etc). My periods have never been regular due to it even though I’m not deathly skinny. A lot of people think I’m insane for disliking my body for being so slim so I just wanted this out there I suppose and to help encourage me to get where I want to go :)!
I am now a UK size 6 and not fluctuating between a 4/6 soI’m pretty happy with my progress!
Hey everyone! My name is Dominique. I’m 19, from New York, currently going into my junior year in college.
This is my first submission but I thought it was finally time I faced this fear of sharing old pictures of myself and help others with my story.
On the left is a picture of me at my heaviest, in the beginning of freshman year of college. The middle picture was one of the last pictures I took before I ”stopped” being anorexic, 9 months after the first picture. The picture on the right is me today, a year after the middle picture.
So this is my story. I first went away to college and I was my heaviest weight. I had a huge insecurity with my weight because everyone I was meeting at college seemed to be so much skinnier than me. I began to get depressed as a result of my low self esteem and not having all of my friends from home around me to support me. I would go out and party to forget about my troubles but I would wake up every morning feeling worse about myself. I ended up on academic probation my first semester because my mind was anywhere else but my school work. After my first semester, the depression was only getting worse, and I made myself feel better by going to the gym and working myself to the point of either throwing up or almost fainting every day. I started counting calories. Then I very quickly became obsessed with counting calories to the point where I was eating negative calories every day. I was terrified of eating strawberries because they had sugar. I would have mental breakdowns over eating fruit, I would lay in bed and cry for hours over fruit. This went on for about 4 months. I lost 20 pounds in those 4 months and went from the picture on the left to the picture in the middle. And I was “happy” because I was small.
But the truth was, I was miserable for those months. I wouldn’t go out with my friends anymore because I felt too ugly. Any self worth that I had was gone. I didn’t care if I lived or not because I couldn’t live with being so fat. Because I didn’t hang out with my friends, I soon didn’t have any. All I could think about was food, how to avoid it, how to eat without really eating around others. I felt alone. I felt lost. I really wanted to give up.
I’ve been struggling with my weight since I was 13 years old. I would skip lunches all throughout middle school and high school. I would do work outs in my room in the middle of the night. I’ve always had a little voice in the back of my mind telling me I’m not good enough.
About a year ago, I decided I am good enough.
I looked in the mirror one day and I could see my ribs and my hip bones clearly. That scared me. All I could think about was that if I kept this up, I would actually die. I started eating again and gained 10 pounds back right away. I’ve been basically at the same weight for the past year. The picture on the right is me today, right between the two weights. Except I’m a lot different now, not just physically but mentally.
Mentally, I’m stronger, I’m happier. I live a healthy life style. I eat right for the most part, I exercise a few times a week, and I DON’T count calories. Anorexia is something that I’ll struggle with for the rest of my life. I think about it every day. I think about not eating or eating less every day. But I don’t let it get to me because it’s not worth putting myself through all that pain and suffering again. It was hard to change my ways, it killed me a little inside every time I ate a full meal in the beginning of my recovery. Recovering was difficult but worth it. Although I still have a few more pounds I want to shed, I’m going to do it the healthy way. I will reach my goal even with that little demon on my shoulder every day telling me to skip meals. I’m better than that.
I really hope that whoever you are reading this, can gain something from my story. You are worth it. You are allowed to be healthy without feeling guilty. YOU CAN DO IT! I believe in you. I am living, breathing proof that you can beat anorexia. If you feel alone or discouraged at any point, please contact me. I really want to help you help yourself because I’ve been there and it sucks. You deserve to be happy. My blog is thinkbetterof.tumblr.com
Smile :) You’re beautiful. Don’t let yourself or anyone else tell you otherwise.
Hi guys! My name is Makena and I am 18 years old!
I have been posting on SHYB since I started recovery for my bulimia with anorexic tendencies almost two years ago. I know the top picture looks like a before-and-after of my weight, but it’s not! The picture on the left is one of the first pictures I submitted of myself to SHYB, back in 2011. I was still in the midst of my eating disorder and very much struggling with my self-image. As you can see, I was too embarrassed to wear a bikini. Whenever I see that photo on the left, I see a very unhappy girl with zero confidence. I hated my legs and I thought I had a very chubby stomach. Now in the photo on the right, after nearly two years of recovery with much love and support, I see someone totally different! I see a girl that—can you believe it—was excited to wear a bikini to the beach, and not just wear it, but take pictures! I am just truly proud of all the positive changes and progress I have made in my life: I work out at least 4x a week and keep track of my nutrition (not calories). I actually am starting to love my body and I am learning more every day how to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Also, I just wanted to say, in August I will be one year purge-free!!:))
Anyways, thanks for reading this! If anyone ever wants to talk sometime, message me here!
I’m being brave again and submitting this because I looked at it and thought I like how my body looks. This is huge. I NEVER think that. I have gained a lot of weight and at my highest weight ever, and I am constantly at war with my body. I have suffered from eating disorders for three years, and have had terrible, horrible, non-existant self esteem for even longer. Maybe it’s just the lighting and the way I’m standing, but I actually like how I look here. Taking pictures of my body helps me to see it the way it really is and not the distorted way I see it daily in the mirror. I think the human body is a beautiful thing and is not something to be ashamed of in any way shape or form. And I’m not ashamed of my body for this one moment. I am scarred and I have thick thighs that touch and a lower belly pooch and small boobs, and thats okay. I’m still beautiful how I am. My body is mine and I need to accept it. And if I can accept it in this photo and share that acceptance with all of you, that is a step in the right direction.
I never thought I would see myself in a bikini ever again, but that’s essentially what I’m wearing- a bikini. And it’s clothing that I feel proud and comfortable to wear, even after all this time.
I submitted a photo a year back when I was trying to deal with weight gain that came with recovery from anorexia. I was still incredibly insecure, but I felt that sharing my body and trying to become more comfortable with it might help me overcome my insecurities. One year and lots of hard work later, I finally feel like I’m at a place where I can be happy with myself, inside and out.
It’s still a lot of work and I have days where I feel like I’m relapsing, only to challenge my disordered thoughts and manage to find myself stronger in the end. I know that I’m almost there, and not being able to exercise due to an injury won’t stop me from recovering. The last step in my recovery is learning to be okay with myself without feeling the need to exercise, and I’m surviving it one day at a time. It’s been almost two months since my last workout, but I’m still on the road to recovery— it may be slower than before, but I’m still going.
I think my final message to everybody is that you’re beautiful, even if you don’t think that you are. Loving yourself doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s going to be a lot of hard work, but it’s worth it. You’re worth it. You are beautiful and loved, and all those people who love you will continue to love you +/- 20lbs, I promise you that.
The first step is learning to love yourself, and freeing yourself from the restraints, whether it be internal or external. You only live once, so let your life revolve around happy moments and exciting things rather than your body because it doesn’t- and never will- define your worth.
Feel free to message me at livelaughrecover.
Trigger Warning: Self Harm and Eating Disorders
My name’s Dana, and I am fifteen years old.
For a long time I’ve been insecure about my looks. Even as a young kid I would stand in front of the mirror and analyze every bit of my body. I just didn’t think I was beautiful. My eyes were too far apart, my nose too big, etc etc.
Then came high school. Along with the other pressures of high school life, like grades and friends, puberty brought along it’s own struggles. The former self esteem issues became magnified to the extreme. The self hatred started. I attempted suicide three times.
What you can’t see in this picture are the scars. The marks up and down my wrist, and zig-zagging over my hips. You also can’t see the tears over the number on the scale as I struggled with my weight. I’m 5’8”, and I was nearly down to 100 pounds. I’ve been fighting my self harm for two years now, and my anorexia for about the same time. It’s hard for me to eat what I want to eat, to try to recover, to think that maybe
I am worth recovering.
It’s hard. Anyone who’s ever had an eating disorder, or has gone through depression and self harm will tell you that it’s hard trying to change your thought process, trying to tell yourself that you’re worth it, you’re better than this, you’re beautiful. But I’m trying. I’m trying my hardest to recover, and I’m trying to live my life as well as I can.
Today is 4/26/13, I am 5’8”, and I currently weigh 133 pounds.
And I am happy with myself the way I am.
I’ve submitted once on here and had a bit of feedback, and I appreciate every word that was sent.
I am extremely skinny and tall, and this has caused quite a bit of greif through my life, even from my own siblings. Even now, I receive giraffes from my parents and family because of my skinniness and the length of my neck. They find it humorous; I, however, do not.
As you can probably see, I’ve quite a few stretch marks on my hips, and even more on my back. I hated them most of my life, but it wasn’t until recently that I’ve come to love them. They’re marks wish a story, telling me this is who I am.
And the reason why I am naked in the picture above is because my penis is my largest insecurity. In this generation, so many people talk about who has the biggest one. A man’s worth and ‘manliness’, at least amongst other men, is mostly measured by the length of it, and it’s hard having confidence when yours is only average. It’s the hardest thing to accept and I wish I didn’t have to feel so low about my masculinity because my member isn’t as big as someone else’s.
Thank you so much for reading this.