Hey everyone! My name is Dominique. I’m 19, from New York, currently going into my junior year in college.
This is my first submission but I thought it was finally time I faced this fear of sharing old pictures of myself and help others with my story.
On the left is a picture of me at my heaviest, in the beginning of freshman year of college. The middle picture was one of the last pictures I took before I ”stopped” being anorexic, 9 months after the first picture. The picture on the right is me today, a year after the middle picture.
So this is my story. I first went away to college and I was my heaviest weight. I had a huge insecurity with my weight because everyone I was meeting at college seemed to be so much skinnier than me. I began to get depressed as a result of my low self esteem and not having all of my friends from home around me to support me. I would go out and party to forget about my troubles but I would wake up every morning feeling worse about myself. I ended up on academic probation my first semester because my mind was anywhere else but my school work. After my first semester, the depression was only getting worse, and I made myself feel better by going to the gym and working myself to the point of either throwing up or almost fainting every day. I started counting calories. Then I very quickly became obsessed with counting calories to the point where I was eating negative calories every day. I was terrified of eating strawberries because they had sugar. I would have mental breakdowns over eating fruit, I would lay in bed and cry for hours over fruit. This went on for about 4 months. I lost 20 pounds in those 4 months and went from the picture on the left to the picture in the middle. And I was “happy” because I was small.
But the truth was, I was miserable for those months. I wouldn’t go out with my friends anymore because I felt too ugly. Any self worth that I had was gone. I didn’t care if I lived or not because I couldn’t live with being so fat. Because I didn’t hang out with my friends, I soon didn’t have any. All I could think about was food, how to avoid it, how to eat without really eating around others. I felt alone. I felt lost. I really wanted to give up.
I’ve been struggling with my weight since I was 13 years old. I would skip lunches all throughout middle school and high school. I would do work outs in my room in the middle of the night. I’ve always had a little voice in the back of my mind telling me I’m not good enough.
About a year ago, I decided I am good enough.
I looked in the mirror one day and I could see my ribs and my hip bones clearly. That scared me. All I could think about was that if I kept this up, I would actually die. I started eating again and gained 10 pounds back right away. I’ve been basically at the same weight for the past year. The picture on the right is me today, right between the two weights. Except I’m a lot different now, not just physically but mentally.
Mentally, I’m stronger, I’m happier. I live a healthy life style. I eat right for the most part, I exercise a few times a week, and I DON’T count calories. Anorexia is something that I’ll struggle with for the rest of my life. I think about it every day. I think about not eating or eating less every day. But I don’t let it get to me because it’s not worth putting myself through all that pain and suffering again. It was hard to change my ways, it killed me a little inside every time I ate a full meal in the beginning of my recovery. Recovering was difficult but worth it. Although I still have a few more pounds I want to shed, I’m going to do it the healthy way. I will reach my goal even with that little demon on my shoulder every day telling me to skip meals. I’m better than that.
I really hope that whoever you are reading this, can gain something from my story. You are worth it. You are allowed to be healthy without feeling guilty. YOU CAN DO IT! I believe in you. I am living, breathing proof that you can beat anorexia. If you feel alone or discouraged at any point, please contact me. I really want to help you help yourself because I’ve been there and it sucks. You deserve to be happy. My blog is thinkbetterof.tumblr.com
Smile :) You’re beautiful. Don’t let yourself or anyone else tell you otherwise.
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