Hi, my name is cloe. I am a white almost 21, female living in the United States. This is my first day joining the body peace revolution. I’m going to worn everyone that is reading this, that I’m not the greatest writer… so, half the things I’m going to write might not make since… other than that, I would like to tell people about myself, in the most positive way I can. First off, I am very insecure about how I look. Meaning I can’t stop thinking about my size. Ever since I was in grade school, I’ve been shy, antisocial, and afraid of others and what they might think and feel about me… when I started in middle school, everything became worse. I had barely no friends, I was picked on, I was called different mean cruel things, others would tease me, spit on me, brake my stuff, stole my stuff, throw objects at me, touch me, not in a sexual way… but like hit, kick, and cut my hair… and mostly I was just alone. I would be so scared to be with others. Even with my own friends that where not really my friends at all. I would always eat lunch in the bathroom stoles. Find somewhere were people couldn’t find me. Outside, empty class rooms, the detention room, and where all the books and quite people where at… even some teachers where mean to me… one time I skipped a class because the teacher was so mean to me for some reason and the students were not that nice either… so I skipped it and walked home. When I came home my, supposed to be my “Best Friend” told my parents what I did. They ground me for a month. A lot of times I would try to get in trouble, just so I would go to the detention room. I was never mean to anyone. I would just be late to a class or not do my homework… every day after school I would cry. Lucky me, my parents where always working. But my older sister, she was always home. She would try to cheer me up. Say forget what others think, and never let them bring you down… but I never lesion. I would cry for hours. Look in the mirror and self-hate, loath, myself. I felt like no one was there. Only me and my sister. I and my sister are best friends. Back in middle school, she was the only friend I had… she was my friend and my clarity. She would tell me that we were the same. She use to get picked on and hurt in middle school also. But when she started high school, she wasn’t the shy, fat girl. She was a bad ass cool girl! Everyone loved her. Everyone knew her. I looked up to that. Hopping that I was going to be a cool bad ass in high school where everyone would love me. But, something never turn out the way you want them to go… my sister and step farther, that is really my farther to me. Because my real dad is an ass that I haven’t seen in 10 years or more… anyway, my sister and step dad didn’t get along. When they didn’t get along, no one got along. My mom was always in the middle. She didn’t know what to do. So, my sister had to move out and live with my grandma. That was bad. I was broken. I came home from middle school, now alone. No sister to give me clarity. I stared to hate my parents. I blamed them for my sister being gone. I lied, stopped lessoning to them and the rules. I regret that now. I regret hurting them and two other people that I hunted in middle school cause of me not controlling my pain and anger. I didn’t even know what I was doing anymore. When it was almost the end of middle school, I found out some secrets about myself that I didn’t even know about. My great grandma told me a lot about little old me. Like I was not planned to be borne by my parents, and that I died when I was born. But, somehow came back to life? The doctors didn’t even know how that happened. They thought I would be brain dead or a vegetable when I got older. But nope. I just got some disorders that I didn’t know I had. I found out that I have auditory processing disorder, OCD, heart mummer, mood disorder, and chromosome disorder. After my grandma told me this, I was shocked. I had no idea. I didn’t know what to think or feel. I thought I was, am, different. Who knew?
In the first year in high school I went crazy. I cut my self a Chinese symbol of love on my leg, took a bottle of sleeping pills and drank some bath cleaner, and I got arrested for hurting my farther and temp of hurting myself. After I was sent back home, my sister heard what happened. And she was pissed off. She called me out. Gave me a news flash. She was so mad and sad that I finally saw what I was doing and becoming. When I knew what I have done, the time I saw my mother again, was the most painful cry in my life. I told my mother, farther, bothers, sister, everyone that knew what I had done I was so sorry. It was the longest crying I have ever done in my life. I rather be in hell and back than hurt anyone I loved. In time my parents forgave me. And things where looking up. I started to make real friends. I met nice people. Had fun. Started loving my parents and everyone. Sure I was still was teased, but it wasn’t that bad. I had people that loved me. And I started to feel the loneliness fading away. But that didn’t last long.
Second year in high school, my parents told me that we were moving to Texas. I was shocked. I was leaving my life. The same life that was bad but was becoming so great. I was leaving my friends, my family, my home, and my sister!!! My mom said I would make new ones. That didn’t happen… you see I am from Washington State. The state where everyone are nature loving coffee drinkers. Up by Canada. Texas on the other hand… will it was really… different than what I’m use to… when we moved to Texas that same year after Christmas. It was hell. First high school there, I was scared. Didn’t make no friends and a got picked on again!!! But the worst thing is that I got sexily harassed this time… mom found out and she took me out of that school and send me to another one. That was ok for a bit. But than in the second year I was in there I was picked on like I was in middle school… hello bathroom stoles. I got sexily harassed again and mom pulled me out again. But no worries. Sure I am now afraid of people more but at least I passed high school after I finished my online classes. Now I’m out of school. But not so happy. All my friends that had in WA drifted apart from me. Sure I talk to some on Facebook… but we changed. Everything changed my friends, family, life, my sister, and me. My life from the past and reading a comic that got me to finally do something about the way I looked got me motivated to change. I now am not a fat girl in people eyes but the crazy work out chick that eats a lot of rabbit food and sweets. I still look at the mirror and see what I saw in middle school. I am trying to love me. Love how I look. And not care what people think of me. But nothing is working. So I take a picture of my body. For the first step of showing others and myself that I am beautiful. No matter how much I don’t think so but should! I hope by joining this sight I will feel free and love my body and me. Thank you for reading and always love you and your body. No matter how much life shits on you.
BE BRAVE! JOIN THE BODY PEACE REVOLUTION!