Posts tagged depression
Posts tagged depression
[TW- mental illness, self harm, bullying, fat shaming]
It took a lot for me to get to this point. It took a look of name calling. It took a lot of mental abuse. It took almost all my hope. I’ve cried. I’ve been depressed. I’ve self harmed. I’ve given up so many times on myself but I’m pretty sure I’VE HAD FUCKING ENOUGH.
THIS ONE IS FOR ALL THE DIRTY LOOKS
This one is for every time I’ve felt ashamed of my body BECAUSE OF A COMPLETE STRANGER.
This one is for the emotional problems I deal with every day, especially in intimate relationships, because of years of bullying.
This one is for every time I’ve thought “I don’t deserve to eat”
This one is for every fucking asshole that has discriminated against me because of my weight.
This one is for every time I’ve heard “you’d be so pretty if…”
THIS ONE IS FOR MY FELLOW FATTIES.
This one is for Brandon, the bastard from high school, that made me cry every day on my walk home.
This is for every time I wished I was someone else.
This is for every girl who is ashamed of her body
Every girl that is emotionally tortured and badgered by society, teachers, co-workers, random strangers, and most of the time family and friends for her weight.
F U C K Y O U.
YOU DO NOT FUCKING DEFINE ME. I AM NOT SOMETHING AT YOUR DISPENSE. I AM NOT A FUCKING FETISH. MY BODY IS NONE OF YOUR F U C K I N G BUSINESS AND YOU BEST FUCKING BELIEVE I WILL EAT YOU FOR A FUCKING SNACK BEFORE YOU EVER MAKE ME FEEL WORTHLESS AGAIN.
You are not your eating disorder, your mood disorder, your personality disorder.
You are not your past, your struggles, your scars.
You are more than all of that, more than just a label.
Student, daughter, son, mother, father, volunteer, cook, dancer, artist, friend, sibling, niece, nephew, determined, motivated, supportive, role model, ect….
Look past your diagnosis- who are you?
Trigger warning: self injury and gender dysphoria
This is my thigh today. I’ve struggled with dysphoria and depression for most of my life, which led to some self harm issues in my teens. I hated how curvy I was, and I would cut and scratch my thighs and hips as a way of punishing my body for being wrong. As I’ve come to accept and gotten to know my gender identity and generally moved into a better place in general, it’s becoming easier to move away from that. Even so, some days are harder than others. One of the ways I’ve learned to cope with the desire to cut on bad days is to draw or write on myself with an ink pen. Marking myself is a way of reclaiming my body. The sensation of the pen on my skin grounds me, and reminds me to be gentle with myself. I hope everyone is taking good care of themselves tonight.
My name is Angela Rose, I am an 18 year old college freshmen and I am learning to love who I am and accept it. I have been told that I am too big for my body frame for years. I am five feet tall and I can’t say I know how much I weigh because I refrain from stepping on a scale. A number doesn’t define me, and it shouldn’t define anyone else. I remember always being told that I should cut down on what I’m eating or that I should eat healthier in an attempt to lose weight. No. I don’t need to lose weight to be beautiful. I will have a third or hell, even a fourth piece of pizza and I will not hold myself accountable to eat only salads out on dates. I will order what I want and I will like it. I love my ass and I love my boobs, I love my thick legs and the way my cheeks ball up when I smile. I don’t have a flat stomach and I probably never will, but I am perfect how I am. I struggled a lot with body image when I was younger but now that I have found these safe havens I am learning to accept me. If I can’t accept myself, then who the hell will? I am a beautiful woman, everyone is beautiful; and sure, it may not be magazine cover perfect or model worthy, but it is beauty regardless. I hope that all girls and guys who are insecure can wake up, look in the mirror and love who they are regardless of the tag on their jeans and the number on the scale. And if these words help even one person than that is an accomplishment on it’s own. If anyone here ever, ever, ever needs someone to vent to, please contact me whenever; angelaroseee.tumblr.com/ask
Trigger warning: Overeating, depression, thoughts of suicide
My name is Vicki and I’ve been following this blog pretty much ever since I opened my Tumblr account.
In the past, people found it very difficult to accept me because I’m Asian but I’m also fat - I no longer associate the word fat with negativity so there’s nothing wrong with just saying it (we ALL have fat on our bodies!). Because people found it hard to accept me, I found it even more difficult to accept myself.
I was adopted from South Korea when I was three months old, my parents are white (dad’s family is polish, mother’s family is mixed).
When I was 8, my dad was diagnosed with leukemia - a year previous to his diagnosis, I lost a classmate to leukemia so…at that point, I really just didn’t want to know anything about the cancer and was terrified that my dad would be there one day and be gone the next.
In high school, I over ate but not until I got home. I made sure no one saw me eating in school, therefore I gained more and more weight.
I got picked on every day in elementary school and high school. Kids threw things at me, said hateful and hurtful things without knowing me at all, poked me with pencils and sporks. I don’t remember crying, though. I just got to a point where it was like, “okay if I can get through the day, I’ll just go home and eat a whole bag of chips and fall asleep”
Somehow after I graduated, I got control of what I was doing and stopped. I began eating three square meals a day, started taking better care of myself.
I started college and joined my school newspaper.
My dad died when I was 19 years old. I fell into a terrible depression - no matter what I did, I just thought about what I didn’t like about myself, what I couldn’t fix about myself, what I could do to hurt myself, how the world would be better off without me, how I wished I was the one who had the cancer instead of him.
It got better but I lost a number of important people in the process due to my depression and my friends not understanding what I was going through.
I’m 25 years old now and I weigh as much as I did when I was 14. I have a lot more work to do and I still have bad days - you know, those days where you don’t want to do anything or see anybody…you just want to lie there. But I also have good days, where I feel like putting a dress on, doing my hair and makeup.
As a teenager, I dated a number of guys who cheated on me or blatantly told me that they had plans to cheat on me because I refused to sleep with them. I have been seeing my boyfriend, Ian, for three years and I love him very much.
Dating me was a challenge for him and I’m sure it still is today, because I’d get so down about myself and point out all of my flaws and no one wants to hear that - a person who loves you does not want to hear you speak badly about yourself.
With time, he helped me learn to love myself (whether he knows it or not).
I would just like to say that to find self acceptance, you absolutely have to do it for yourself and you have to find something about yourself that you love every day - even if it’s just the dimple in your cheek or the color of your eyes when the sunset hits them. Being with someone does not make me feel more beautiful. Being with someone doesn’t make me feel loved. I make myself feel beautiful and I love myself.
I submitted because I think I’m on the right track with loving myself and accepting that this is who I am. I submitted because I have found so many strong, beautiful men and women who have shared their stories here that made me want to learn more about them. Feel free to follow my blog and find out more about me. Thank you for reading my story! <3
Today is the day where I stop hating. Today is where I accept that this is my body and that I should love it the way that it is now. It may not always be this way, and someday it may improve. But as of right now I am beautiful. I have lived my whole life trying to be something that I’m not. I tried to lose weight, wear too much makeup, and act the way that I thought is cool. I want to just be me and watch myself unfold to become beautiful like everyone else. I honestly believe that once a person lets themselves go and becomes completely their own, that they are the most beautiful that they will ever be.
Hi everyone! My name is Chloe and I’ve never posted a full picture of myself in a bikini before so this is a little scary. I’ve never been completely comfortable in my own skin but I’ve found that my attitude has become less negative and more positive after reading about all the beautiful people on this blog. I went through a stage of depression a few years ago and I’ve struggled to get through it and forget about all of the things that made me unhappy. I realize now that the way I look doesn’t matter, what matters is how I act and what kind of person I am. I try my best to be a good person and even though I feel chubby sometimes I believe that everyone is beautiful in their own way.
[trigger warning: abuse, self harm, starving self.]
I am on the rode to recovery and on this rode of mine I come across a huge road bump which is to have a positive body image. Since I was young I had been constantly abused left with many bruises, black eyes, I was choked, and constantly told I’m worthless, ugly, fat, I should have never been born, no one will ever love me because of how fat I am. This was all from the age of 5 and up. I had a horrible body image of myself because of the abuse and what I saw in media, I really did believe that I was this worthless person with a horrible body to the point I started to cut. Now with scars on my body I found it harder to love myself so it didnt just stop at cutting. I would starve myself. I would hardly eat anything in a day, some days Id go without eating at all. But its changing now because I know that I am in control of my body, this is my body and while I still have days were I dont feel the best about my body I know that Im lovely and the people who do love me will love me no matter what I look like and Im starting to love myself.
Sometime ago (months actually) I posted here about wanting to love myself more, loving my inner self mostly and about my depression problems. I remember I promised you guys to learn to love myself and to get better with my illness. Today I post again just to tell you I’m better and that I made it trough the worst days.
My life is better now, not perfect but beautiful; I managed to finish high school safely (when I was scared I wouldn’t), I started my career studying what I love. About two months ago my dad suggested me leave school and get admitted in a psychiatric hospital so I could get better, and I almost agreed, but luckily it wasn’t necessary and I managed to get the strength to stand in my own feet. I stopped hurting myself long time ago, because I realized I’m beautiful, and even an illness can’t tell me how to feel about me. I love me now, with my good or bad points. I don’t hate me anymore, wanting to die is now past, and I can see a great future for me. I can dream again, I recovered that strength and now I can see my true beauty. I made it trough and I’m so happy.
Thank you guys for the support you gave me months ago (:
This isn’t easy to post, but I’ve been seeing way too much lately about girls wanting to starve…because they’d sooner die than be ‘fat.’ And it kills me, because I was fat. When I say ‘I was fat’, I moreso mean that I was very unhealthy in my eating/exercise habits. And it was what I was called on a regular basis from kindergarten to freshman year. And I did this to myself in hopes that I would never be heavy again. But it really, honestly, does not matter what size jeans you wear. What matters is that you live a healthy lifestyle and can eventually look in the mirror and be happy with what you see, not what a body dysmorphic disorder convinces you into thinking or what society/media defines beauty as. I may have moments of weakness, but I know I am beautiful no matter what.
TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM
So this is the first time I’ve had the courage to submit. This is my tummy and I’m learning to love it. I started to become insecure about two years ago which led to self harm. I am currently in recovery and haven’t cut in months. I am truly starting to love my body and be thankful for it. So, to all of you out there struggling, you are not alone. You are beautiful. It WILL get better. I promise.
xoxo, Lillie (fairylightsandtea)
I’m Rhianna. This is the 3rd time I’ve posted to SHYB and each time, I’m getting better.
This is my scar
At age 12 I was diagnosed with Adolescent Idiopathic Scoliosis. By age 14 I had a 63 degree curve in the base of my spine. I went through a 9 hour operation, nearly 4 weeks in hospital, throwing up bile every half an hour of the day and during the night, being fed through a tube, loosing a stone and a half and getting down to just over 5 stone and not being able to funciton normally for a couple of years.
I’m now 19, it’s been 5 years since my operation and I’m doing great! I used to hate my scar and how is affected the skin on my stomach, how I couldn’t wear anything with cut out sides or low backs, how different it made me.
But now, I consider it a battle scar. I consider it a reminder of how strong I can be and how if I went through all that, I can go through anything.
Everyone, you’re all beautiful. Every shape and size. Every lump, bump, mark and scar. Scars are fantastic, they make you unique, they prove how strong you are as a person. Show them off, show the world how strong you can be.
If any of you have any questions or want any adivce on scoliosis, my ask box is always open!
Trigger Warning: Addiction, Depression, Self-Harm, Suicide.
First time submitting.
Since I was 8, I’ve been battling suicidal depression. That means, I will use anything to hurt myself. I’ve been going through struggles for 6 years. It all started with a case of anorexia. I didn’t eat for weeks, and lost a lot of weight. I was a healthy weight of 95, but by the time I got help, I was 75. I was only 8 when this happened. I was better for 2 years. Then when I was 10, I started self-harming. Anything that would cause pain, I would use it. Nobody noticed that I was slowly hurting myself and leaving scars. That lasted for a year before I started drugs and alcohol. By the time I was 11, I was addicted to all sorts of drugs and alcohol. It was horrible and nobody noticed that I was slowly killing myself. This lasted 2 years. Then I met a boy who helped me clean up. By the time my 13th birthday came along, I was clean and happy. But we broke up and I fell back into everything, only worse. I was anorexic, addicted to drugs/alcohol, and self-harming. For a year I was killing myself slowly with everything I could think of. I now live with scars on my wrists, thighs, stomach, and hips. I was VERY insecure about how I looked. But now, I can wear a bikini and short shorts and be proud of how I look. I can leave without wearing bracelets. I can look at myself in a mirror now and say, “You ARE beautiful. You ARE worth something.” I’m learning to love my body and how I look.
Your body is the coolest thing that you own.
Do you disagree? Before you do, bear with me. Let’s say for a minute that it is indeed the number one coolest thing that you own, hands down.
Now, think about the second coolest thing you own.
Maybe it’s your iPad. Maybe it’s your car. Maybe it’s your house.
Your iPad has some REALLY awesome features. You’re probably addicted to it and take it wherever you go.
Your house has doors and a toilet. A place to put your poop so you don’t have to deal with that mess. Yup, gross.
Your car gets you from point A to B, and if you’re lucky, without breaking down. Maybe it even gets good gas mileage!
Do you like it? That second awesome thing we thought of, do you like it at all? Do you even love it?
My second coolest thing that I own (excluding my wheelchair, it’s my legs), is probably my bed. It’s super comfy and if it was socially acceptable, I’d live in it. I’m in love with my bed, and it loves me too. It never wants me to leave.
As awesome as that bed..or iPad..or toilet is, it’s still numero dos. No matter how hard you try to convince me that it’s not, I’ll disagree with you.
Your body is the reason you’re able to enjoy any of these things.
It’s really cliche’, but it’s your greatest gift. It let’s you feel, maybe see awesome things, maybe hear awesome things. We use it to communicate. It’s portable. It’s affected by gravity, so we can stay in one place. It let’s us have fun and enjoy things. It participates in creating other bodies, which is mind-blowing.
Your body is unbelievably adaptive. It was made to conquer all obstacles. Hell, you’re still here, I know you’ve made it through something.
Not only is your body growing physically, but your mind is adapting as well. You’re learning all the time and things are changing, whether you can see it right now or not. This body that you own, not only was it born awesome, but it keeps getting more and more awesome if you take the time to allow it to do so. Also mind-blowing.
No matter how hard it is for you to do any of these basic functions, or wait for change, your body is STILL the greatest thing you own.
Myself, for instance, I have a “disabled” body.
I can’t walk. I can’t lift my arms above my head. I can’t use the bathroom by myself. I can’t cook. I can’t drive. I can’t climb. Some days it’s hard for me to breathe. Some days, it’s hard for me to hold my head up and keep balance.
Granted, I am blessed with hearing, sight, feeling. That’s awesome. So freaking awesome.
Even so, my body is nowhere near ‘perfect’. Who’s really is? Just because my body can do a few awesome things doesn’t mean it looks great, right?
I mean, my teeth are disgusting, I lack dental insurance. My spine won’t grow any taller, there’s a titanium rod in it. My belly sticks out farther than I’d like. I have hardly any boobs. My arms are like twigs. My nose is kinda big. My lips are small. My shoulders are bony. I have scars. I have chubby thighs. The list goes on, really.
The thing is though, this body is mine.
I could waste some money on surgeries and products to try to change it, but I’ll still be left with myself. I won’t be that super model. I won’t be anyone else.
And my body will still be the most awesome thing that I own.
I don’t care what it looks like, it’s still mine.
I don’t care what it looks like, I can still see it.
I don’t care what it looks like, I can still feel.
I don’t care what it looks like, my mind is still growing.
I don’t care what it looks like, there’s still nothing like it.
There is nothing like your body, and I promise you, that alone makes it beautiful.
Stop comparing yourself, you will never be like anyone else in the long-run.
Trust me, I know how hard it is. Depression can eat away at you. I’ve been there before, and I know it’s not easy. But you’ve still got so far to go emotionally, that your body image isn’t going to matter. It’s not the source of your happiness, even if you tricked yourself into believing that. Imagine how unhappy you’d be if you couldn’t do any of these awesome things I’ve been talking about.
We’re all going to either die young or become old and wrinkly, anyway.
Go take a walk around a hospice for awhile, I bet you won’t hear anyone saying “Man, if my nose was just a little different.”
“If I was a bit thinner.”
No. That doesn’t matter anymore, and honestly, it doesn’t now.
So why hate the very most awesome thing that let’s you enjoy life and is the root to everything else you experience? Why place anything on earth above that?
Go out and do something that makes you happy, because you can. Because your body is here and allowing you to. Because you’re an awesome person anyway.
Regardless of all of this, I bet you’re extremely aesthetically pleasing, and adorable. It’s never as bad as you make it out to be.
I love you.