TRIGGER WARNING: FANTASIES OF SELF MUTILATION, SELF LOATHING, PANIC ATTACKS, DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL IDEATION AND MEASUREMENTS
The photo is a candid of me from last week. For context, I guess. It shows my body more than most other pictures.
I don’t love my body like I should, but I’m getting there. I don’t have an extraordinary story, or experience, what I want to share is an incredibly ordinary story, and I think that’s just as important.
I’m 17 now. And I’m 30 pounds heavier than I was when I was two years ago. In number that’s not a lot of weight, but on my body, it is. Weight gain is my story, and like I said, it’s incredibly ordinary.
I never liked my body. I can remember, quite vividly, being 9 years old, walking home from school and thinking about cutting off parts of my thighs and sewing them back up smaller. It’s quite disturbing to me now, 8 years later that I could even think such a thing, but I did. I hated my thighs, but that wasn’t my first time wanting to change my appearance. When I was 7, I wanted nothing more than a nose job. At seven years old. That scares me now. Thinking about how long I hated myself.
I was about 11 when I really started to hate my whole body. Before it was specific parts, but now, I was aware that I was taller and wider than my peers. I was a little on the chubby side, being 120 pounds at 11 and 5ft4, but I’m chubbier now anyway. I hated myself, and from about 11 to 13, I suffered from clinical depression, panic attacks, and suicidal ideation. All from my body image issues. I got through it though, but I was lucky.
I became better when I was 14, not happy, not confident, but no longer mentally ill. That lasted roughly a year. I shot up, came into my shape and was okay. I hated how wide my hips were and my thighs touching, but I didn’t think about it constantly like I used to. Through the help of my best friend, I became even happier with my body, I had pretty, long, dark hair, a small waist and a nice ass, I was still insecure, but I was better. That lasted roughly a minute and 36 seconds. Because when I was 16, I started gaining weight. It didn’t stop, and it still hasn’t.
This all has a point, I promise.
I’m 30 pounds up from when I liked my body. But I’m okay, and that’s the part of my story that I want to share. My body isn’t ideal, my ideal at least. But I’m okay. Because you will always eventually be okay. Every one of you beautiful, perfect people will be okay.
I have a pudgy belly, and jiggly thighs. I have love handles and back fat and squishy arms. I have the hint of a second chin and my cheeks are a little chubby. But I’m okay. I like myself. I don’t like my body all the time, but overall, I like me. I like me more than I did when I was at my “best” weight and shape. I’m okay. And I’m ordinary. You’ll be okay too. Because being okay is what happens, it happens to everyone, some of us just aren’t there yet. But you’ll be okay.
It may take time. It may take years, or it may take a compliment from a friend, or just a minute and a half, but you’ll be okay. You’ll learn that you are perfect even if you don’t consider your body to be so. You’ll learn that you are beautiful, and that you, and your body, are more than worth your love.
You’ll be okay.
BE BRAVE! JOIN THE BODY PEACE REVOLUTION!