An out of nowhere, middle of the night, early morning, post.
Most of my life has been spent feeling insecure and thinking there was something wrong with me. When I was very little, it was as simple as my social skills, kids my age did not understand me, I did not have many friends, I would try my best to fit in but typically ended up annoying people. As I grew older, my social skills still somewhat lack, but I have found people who find my company charming, I don’t annoy them, they love me, and I love them.
Around the age of 10, I started becoming incredibly insecure about my body, which we later became aware was actually the start of my depression and Body Dysmorphic Disorder. After two years at an acting conservatory, just a couple of months before I turned 20, I left school to focus on recovery and I haven’t looked back since.
Then in my adolescence, I was completely lost as to where I fit in sexually and romantically. The pressure to label my sexuality was confusing; I found certain boys charming and aesthetically pleasing, but didn’t want to have sex, so was I asexual? At 15, I was secretly romantically and sexually attracted to a girl… maybe I’m bisexual? Better just keep calling myself straight, probably best not to say anything about it, right? I mean, it’s just one girl. But then there were more girls, but I’m straight, right? That’s what I keep saying out loud, and if I say it out loud, it’s true.
In college, a couple more loud crushes on boys and then… the girl I like, likes me back, Her and I are together for a moment. So…. maybe gender doesn’t matter to me? I’m pansexual. Come out to mom. Mom is UPSET. “You’re a lesbian!” she yells at me through tears, “No, mom! Maybe someday I’ll like a boy in that way, I don’t know! Who knows?!”
Years go by. The moment I admitted to myself that I like girls, the false crushes on boys ceased. I currently identify as a lesbian and it is the most honest feeling label. My mother has become so much more accepting and even jokes with references to lesbian culture.
So in this moment, late at night, I found this picture; that seemed to showcase it all. My awkwardness, my body, my sexual orientation. Today, I love my entire self.
This made me sob for multiple reasons and I’m just so happy this person is happy.