Posts tagged abuse
Posts tagged abuse
TW: Molestation, Self Bashing, Depression, Suicidal
Hey there my name is Taja Brianne. I’m 24 years old and I weigh 202 (B: 46W:35H: 50). I’ve always been EXTREMELY insecure about the way I look (I’m a self basher and suffer from severe depression and anxiety) from my hair to my Feet, I’ve never liked the way I look. I thought I was so ugly (still do), And it didn’t help that Something very tragic happened to me and my family 2 years ago that really made me feel even more worthless and insecure (which I didn’t think could even happen) . Anyways Let me back up and start from the beginning so you can get the gist of what I’m talking about.
Okay so ever since I was a kid was always getting bullied and was treated very badly by damn near everyone around me. My father (who is an alcoholic and drug addict) verbally and physically abused me for a long time telling me that I was stupid and that I would never be shit and that I was a piece of shit.. My mother neglected me for a very long time because of her vices as well and it was very hard for me to deal with. . I started developing at age 7, so by the time I was in 3rd grade I had C cups. I was also taller than everyone else in my class for a minuet as well so I always was getting made fun of. I never thought I was pretty at all, in fact I thought I was the ugliest kid ever. When I was in the 6th grade I had a girl call me ugly in front of the whole class and I broke down and cried for almost an hour it was so bad that the teacher had to calm me down. I felt so worthless and insecure, in 10th grade my mom messed up my hair so bad I had to cut all of my hair off. I went to school the next day bald… I didn’t get made fun of too much for it (I actually look really good bald lol) but still when the people did talk about my hair it really got to me. Also my lack of friends didn’t help and the fact that I’m socially awkward, I am a loner (not by choice btw) so I don’t have any friends (even today) all of my friends just stopped talking to me like I wasn’t good enough for them or they all ended up leaving me (by moving) so that was a big blow to my self esteem. When I was in the 11th grade I ended up transferring schools and I ended up meeting the one person who would end up eventually destroying my life and self esteem in the process.
We met two weeks after I transferred and ended up falling in love (hard). He was my whole world; I gave everything to him… my whole life. All my friends were his friends, he did everything for me. I became completely dependent on him for everything. I even moved out of my parent’s house to live with him when I was 17. I thought we were going to be together for the rest of our lives. We were together for 7 years (till 2011), I found out he cheated on me 3 days after our 7 year anniversary. It devastated me and made me feel so ugly, worthless, and not good enough. I felt like I deserved it because I was fat and ugly and useless. So we broke up but we were still talking and having sex occasionally. I was so in love with him. I loved him unconditionally (and I still do). He treated me like shit and said some horrible things to me after we broke up and I let him because I felt like I wasn’t worth a damn anyways and I knew what he was saying to me was true anyways (because that’s how I felt) so it was whatever. He made me feel like he was the only one who would ever want me and to this day I still believe that. In September 28th, 2011, 7 months after we broke up was the day that my life changed.
I was talking to my 15 year old sister (at the time) about my relationship with my ex and how we were going to get back together. She had a hostile look on her face so I asked her what she had against my ex and she wouldn’t answer me. I kept asking her to tell me why she didn’t like him and finally after 10 minuets she told me. I found out that he had been sexually molesting her for the past three years (since she was 12!) …..I was in shock. I couldn’t fathom this ever happening. I ran out the house screaming and crying, I couldn’t cope with what was happening. I called and confronted him but he denied it at first…I couldn’t take it. I immediately started self bashing saying “oh how could you be so fucking stupid” “you’re a horrible person”…That night I tried to commit suicide by OD (I’ve always been suicidal since I was a kid, this was my 5th attempt) I ended up being rushed in an ambulance to the hospital and then I was sent to a mental hospital and put on suicide watch. Those were the darkest days of my life. I felt so empty, guilty, pitiful and irresponsible. I couldn’t think really all I did was self bash the whole time “of course he would cheat on you, just look at you you’re a fucking ugly ass loser” “wow you’re so ugly he went running to your younger sister, you really are a fucking loser”. I would say those things to myself all the time after that. I was heart broken, I couldn’t believe that the one person I decided to put all my trust into after tearing down that big wall I had built to protect myself would hurt me like this and fucked up my life! So from that point on I have been struggling to love myself and build up my self esteem. Some days I can’t even move because I’m so mad at myself because I gave up everything for him, I left college for him, I never worked because he took care of me. I don’t have any friends at all because all the people I hung out with were his friends and I couldn’t talk to them at all after this because it was too painful. I just let my life wither away for a person who…I don’t even know anymore. Now I’m finding it difficult to function by myself. Most days I don’t leave the house except for my morning power walk. I used to be an artist, but I don’t draw anymore because I’m so depressed. I’m trying to love myself while picking up the broken pieces of my heart. Some days I’m really suicidal because I’m thinking about my future and it looks bleak, I’m trying to break the bad habit I have of relying on men to make me feel good about myself but it is difficult because it’s all I’ve ever known. I’ve lost 30 lbs and I still don’t think I am beautiful enough for anybody to ever want to be my friend or love me again. It’s a constant struggle and some days I don’t think I’m going to make it, but I pray and ask god for guidance and he has helped me through this difficult period in my life. I’m becoming a stronger and better person and hopefully I will get over this and finally learn to love myself as unconditionally as I love others. Me and my sister are going through this together since in affected both of our lives, she is my support (along with my mother).
This blog and others have also helped me become a little more confident with my self image. So thank you and remember we all go through hard times, but god loves us and thinks we are all BEAUTIFUL.
I remember when I hated seeing pictures of myself. I would mentally photoshop out the scars, the fat, the stretchmarks… the imperfections. Now when I look at photos of myself I can’t stop staring because that is the same girl I would mentally abuse and beat down. I tried to kill her spirit; I’m just glad I didn’t succeed. <3
[Comic: 1. A young short-haired brown-skinned API woman recoils, flop-sweating, from a white bearded punk guy in a “fuck tha police” shirt who says, “You’re TRANS? You’re so brave… you got a cock or a pussy?” 2. The young woman lifts her skirt, to reveal a giant serpent which bites off the head of the punk guy.]
The above is for people who are functionally blind, which I don’t tend to do but I wanna get in the habit of so my stuff is more accessible.
Materials: Gray markers on vellum, ink and Hunt 22 nib on tracing paper, Photoshop.
Trigger warning: Depression, self harm, eating disorders, sexual assault.
I’m Cas, I am 25 years old and this is my first time submitting on here. For most of my life I have had issues with my physical appearance and would take it out on my body through either self harm, anorexia, or bulimia. Every day seemed like a struggle with depression and it was hard to even look at myself. For a little over half a year now I have been going to group counseling for some sexual trauma that occurred many years ago and it has done amazing things for my self worth. I am happy more and more often, I am not longer afraid to take my shirt off in public, and I just feel so much more confidence in myself. I think this blog is a wonderful thing and I hope that the submissions inspire everyone out there to love themselves. You are never alone.
Trigger warning eating disorders, purging, suicide, abuse, mention of drug abuse and self harm
Hi I’m CJ. About two (maybe even three) years ago I started hating my body, It never seemed pretty enough or thin enough. So I started cutting and starving myself I would rarely even come out from my room. Feeling unloved and better off as a corpse I attempted to hang myself but my mom caught me so I could do no such thing.
Things changed when I moved. I started eating again but the cutting and suicide attempts got worse and slowly but surely the self image problems came back. I was even being abused by my boyfriend at the time who was addicted to about every drug there was.
Thankfully he moved away and I was free from his abuse but sadly not my own. I tried to stop eating but my mom was catching on so I decided to start purging. This was not the life I wanted or deserved.
I came to the realization, with the help of this website, that I would never be as thin or perfect as I would like and that’s okay. I am beautiful and I am strong and I WILL beat this one day at a time. :)
TW: abuse, self-hate
Hi! I am Mackenzie.
I’m the one on the left in this photo. This was taking last September. I am with my sister. (she is awesome you can follow her http://bjoom61.tumblr.com/)
Anyway, I’m 23 (I will be 24 on July 10th). and I am a mother of an adorable 6mos old baby girl named Vashti. I have struggled with my body image for as long as I can remember. When I was growing up I was always bigger than everyone else. My mother used to say to me “Mackenzie, you are TOO pretty to be THIS heavy” I guess it was her way of trying to motivate me to lose weight and be smaller? I don’t really know. But it hurt every day. I was also sexually abused by my older (half) sister. She went through hell with her real dad, but when she came to live with us she did the same thing to us that he did to her. And it made me feel guilty every day. And then there was the fact that everyone, including every guy I ever liked, had a crush on one or both of my sisters. It got to the point that I never thought anyone would love me or want to be with me. So I became very depressed and just stopped caring.
Eventually, I met my husband. And he does make my self esteem better, but its still hard.
because of the abuse, as adult it has made me think I am ugly and disgusting. I feel guilty because I am sexually attracted to girls. I feel like if I even think about them, I am cheating on my husband. Its very difficult for me to have the lights on if we are being intimate because even though we have been together for 8 years, I still am embarrassed about how I look naked. He always tells me that I am beautiful and the sexiest woman alive…but its hard for to me believe.
anyway, I am trying very hard to like myself more. This blog helps a lot.
if you’d like to follow me please feel free. http://mjwitman.tumblr.com/
This is my second submission to stophatingyourbody.
I was on omegle with a good friend today. We were dancing around having a good time, chatting with people who wanted to chat when a girl came on who said “Omg. Do you ever puke? You need to start.” Obviously refering to me. I laughed it off and we hit next, but I have been dwelling on it all day. Why can’t we all accept each other for who we are and how we look? I have been heavy for most of my life and have been teased for it the majority of my life as well, not just from peers but family as well. I endured nicknames such as “chubby chicken” “cheese block” or other terms that were meant to be funny but hit hard. I lost a lot of the weight by running and a change in diet, but I wasn’t any happier. The only difference was that it was easier to go shopping for clothes because I fit into more things. I recently moved out on my own and fell back into negative thought patterns, was really depressed and I ate a lot and didn’t exericise much, so I gained. This made me feel even worse and I started self-harming again. It had been over a year since I had last self-harmed and before that, it was 4 years. Now I am often struggling not to go back to that unhealthy way of dealing with things. I have been trying to meditate and write about the way that I feel. My mother had suspected me of drug use and starving myself when I was thin, and my sister even urged me not to run so often and that I was “fine now, you don’t even need to run at all.” But now that I’ve gained weight, my mother has said that I need to “get back to running and get back into shape.” Especially when I have asked her to help me out with getting some new clothes because a lot of my things didn’t fit anymore she advised me to “lose weight, and then you won’t need new clothes.” It really hurt me to hear those words and did not help my insecurities. I just can’t ever seem to get to that ”perfect” that others seem to expect from me. A lot of my friends have disordered eating or negative body image and I really wish we all lived in a world where we weren’t forced to think of ourself in such a negative way. I want to walk down the street and not feel paranoid when people are looking at me, wondering what they are thinking. Why are they even looking at me in the first place, don’t they have their own lives to think about? I want to be able to wear what I want and not have strangers commenting on it when they think I’m out of ear shot. Yes, I do have ”chunky” thighs. So WHAT if I want to wear shorts? I have had trouble in every aspect of my life that involves social interaction because of my low self-esteem. I often do not feel like I am good enough to even date someone because of negative past experiences. I went looking for love and validation from men because I did not have a lot of it in my family life. I have had very very few ”boyfriends”, all of which used me only for sex. In one relationship I was often told that no one else would ever love me because my genitalia were weird, that I had an abornormal clitoris (which I now know is not true at all, it is not big or small or anything at all. it’s mine.) and that no one would ever love me because of my size and because of my mental health; how I’m ”crazy” and a ”psycho”. It is still taking me time to get over these things and I am celebrating being single, knowing that one day I will find love. And if I don’t, I already have love in myself and from my friends. It is really difficult to even write these things down and I am trying not to cry. I have hope because I know that there are so many beautiful, strong people who share these struggles with me and I can read their stories and know I’m not alone. I have been trying to eat healthily and to have treats if I want to and not worry about calories or what size I am. I wear what I want to and I try to be confident and walk down the street like a supermodel. When I look in the mirror I try to smile. I buy nice underwear and bras because it makes me feel pretty. When I am having negative thoughts I start a conversation with someone by texting or calling so that I am distracted. I make plans so that I am not alone with my thoughts. I take myself out for coffee or for breakfast and eat whatever I want even if I know that people that are around me are probably judging me. I don’t care! It’s fun and I like to do it. It’s good for ME. When my friends talk negatively about themselves I encourage them by telling them that they are beautiful and that they don’t need to worry because they look good exactly the way that they are. If you are accepting of yourself, it doesn’t matter if other people accept you. YOU and your mental and physical health should be the most important thing to you. Yes, I struggle with how I look. It is hard everyday. If I get ”in shape” again, it will be for myself. It will be because I genuinely enjoy exercise and working out and eating well because it is good for ME. I am sexy. I am healthy. I am strong. So are you. I love you and I will always have an open ear and heart for anyone that needs a little support. (internalregret.tumblr.com)
TRIGGER WARNING FOR PHOTO OF CUTTING SCARS AND EATING DISORDER!
i always had an insecurity with my body so i self harmed..this is one of many scars i have..used this picture because it shows my ribs and my scar..i have learned to love my body now and please love yourselves too :)
Hi my name is Kelsey (: I have had loads of insecurities ever since I was 10. I couldn’t feel comfortable in my own skin until just recently, which I am 19 now. Trigger warning…
I have been a self-hater & bullied for more than 10 years because of my body type. I’ve self-harmed even though you can’t see my scars. I’ve been sexually abused more than once even though you can’t see my pain. I have had an eating disorder even if it doesn’t show. I have hid my body even though you’re seeing it now. I’ve struggled with my sexuality even though you can’t tell. I’ve been & still am dealing with depression. What I’m trying to say is that it gets better. You can always change your body, but why do it when you can worry about other things that go on in your life. Stop worrying of what others think of you because not everyone is going to love you, but you should cherish the ones that do. I want to be an image that I wanted when I was growing up for women & girls that no matter what bigger size you are, you are lovely. My family is full of big boned & thin sized women, they both struggle with their bodies, & I’m the first out of all of them that is honestly proud of the body I have. It’s hard, I know. You should start loving themselves more, because you are worth it <3
was me at a MLP meet up that I went to about a month ago, it was awesome and I felt amazing, both about myself and just in general.
I dont always feel good about myself. This is usually always brought on by the same thing, getting yelled at by my mum, more often than not its for something that never happened.
For example today, I got yelled at for having to have been woke up at 11am, when in face I was awake well and truly before 11, of my own accord. But I’m sure that she just needed someone to yell at.. and thats where I come in.
Now, this is sounding a bit of a rah rah ranty I hate my mum post, and I swear its not. Although she does make my path to self love rather difficult at time.
BE BRAVE! JOIN THE BODY PEACE REVOLUTION!
Trigger Warning: mentions of eating disorders, bulimia
My name is Joo Yung and this is my first time submission here. When i came across this blog i felt so happy to see people embracing themselves for who they truly are. It is hard to admit but i too have had previous problems with my weight. For years i was severely anorexic, i used to eat meals with my family and throw them up later when i thought no one was looking. I couldn’t face the idea that i wasn’t everyones idea of beautiful. When i look back i think i was depressed because i was so severely bullied. Things are much better now, i’ve moved schools and i have a really loving and caring boyfriend who has helped me to love who i really am. everyone is beautiful just the way they are!!
if you ever have problems with your body or who you are know i am always here to talk to and lend a helping hand, or if you just need a friend. You are all such special and wonderful individuals. You can add me on Facebook if you feel like a new friend!
Joo Yung Roberts!
My name is Pagent Storm. This is me alongside a picture of my biggest physical insecurity: my lower abdomen. I was born with vesicoureteral reflux. I had surgery at age 3 to reimplant one of my ureters. They cut me from hip to hip and cut an extra hole for a catheter directly into my bladder. This has caused me to have this “flap and extra belly button,” as I call them. I have constantly went back and forth about a tummy tuck to make my body have a more acceptable shape. Every time I get set on the procedure, I realize that I would never be the same. This is part of who I am. That was just the beginning.
My biological father and his family started out my life by physically and mentally abusing me. Him and his brother would molest me and make me feel dirty. He also started to make drugs around me. My mom finally got the court to extinguish his rights and I haven’t seen him since. My mom married my sister’s dad when I was 6. After they got divorced years later, he looked me in the eyes and told me that he hated me and never wanted to see me again.
I always had strange things going on with my body. I started to gradually get worse around age 7. I lost my ability to do normal things other kids could do. I was limited in my activity while other kids were doing what kids do best. I started hating myself. I hated being sick. I hated being held back. Most of all, I hated the way I got treated because of these things. When I got angry or frustrated, I would bite or hit myself. On my 15th birthday, everything got more serious. I started cutting and burning myself. I drank and hung out with the wrong friends. I wanted so much to be accepted that I just lost my mind. At 17, I was needing stitches because of how deep I got. I overdosed on 1700 mg of Seroquel. I was mentally unconscious for four days. During those four days, I had fallen all over the place, threw my mom against the wall, talked a bunch of nonsense and lost a lot of my memory prior to the incident. I remember sitting in my bathroom floor with blood running out of my arm and thinking about much relief I felt. But I learned that it wasn’t the answer and that I wasn’t alone. I started reading the book, A Bright Red Scream by Marilee Strong and thus started my recovery.
Now, at almost 20 years old, I have collected the diagnoses of Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Eosinophilic Gastroenteritis, irritable bowel, Inflammatory Bowel Disease, Spastic Diplegia, GERD, Bipolar Disorder with BPD, OCPD, severe anxiety, kidney dysfunction, and TMJD. I’m on eleven different medications and I walk with a cane. I also struggle from day to day with my recovery from self-mutilation.
The important part is that I am trying and I am slowly starting to accept myself for all that I am, my body included. What I have gone through isn’t my fault and I am realizing it more every day. I’m more than my illnesses and past tragedies.
I’m beautiful. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow. &So are each and every one of you.
Triggers: Eating Disorder and Self Injury
That’s my previous post above.
I posted before and said a lot of stuff about how you can feel beautiful again and it’s true you can. The funny thing about us girls and guys is that at one point we had no real concept of beauty. Of course we knew that a living flower was preferred to a dead one or you prefer a fluffy puppy to a malnourished one.
That’s all well and good I suppose, but we forget that there is more to loving ouselves than just accepting our bodies. We need to accept others bodies.
It’s all well and good to say, “I’m thin, it’s okay to be thin.” If you turn it around into, “I’m thin so fat’s ugly.” Then it’s not okay anymore.
Part of the Body Peace Revolution is to stop shaming other people to feel better about yourself. I used to do it. When I was suffering with Binge Eating Disorder and slicing my arms and legs, I did it. I shamed others.
Learn from the mistakes of the past to make a better future.
Don’t let anyone tell you what beautiful is and don’t try to force your preferences of beauty onto others.
Remember, we are beautiful, we are all worth it, and we are all different.
That is the magic of this wonderful planet.
I don’t know what else to say.
So I guess that’s all.
I feel very sad still… I feel very sad all the time.
I don’t know if my story is a success story yet. Some days are so good and some days are so bad.
Maybe I’ll get better. You have to try too. Try for me. Please.
hello beautiful people, my name is Carina.
for over nine years now, I have been self-harming by cutting myself. after all this time, the front of my legs, my torso, and my arms are basically mutilated and have thick scars covering every inch of their surface.
this photograph was taken by my loving partner, who has been by my side through my trauma and self-harm. for the first time in nearly a decade, I have begun to wear shorts, I’ll wear a bikini to the beach, etc etc etc. wearing a pair of shorts to a reggae festival the other week was one of the biggest steps I have ever taken. this photograph does not display my scars, because that’s truly not the point. the point is that this is the only body that I will ever have in this life and I recently have begun to treat it the way it deserves.
I am still struggling, I might always be struggling. But every day is an accomplishment and every day is beautiful. I am here for anyone & everyone, if you ever need anything at all, I will stay up all night with you, I will make ridiculous faces, anything to make you feel better. you are beautiful and I mean that.
You are special. You are unique.
Recently, my friends have gone on an “I hate my body” rampage and as they spoke on and on about their flaws. I chose not to participate. If I don’t love myself and believe that I am beautiful, how can I expect others to believe it. I am going to continue to tell my friends they are beautiful and hopefully this video I dedicated to them will prove it.
This is for all you phenomenons out there! Please if you have a chance, click on this link to vote for me for Tyler Perry’s contest:
You don’t hear it enough but, YOU ARE PHENOMENAL (you too boys!)