TW: Molestation, Self Bashing, Depression, Suicidal
Hey there my name is Taja Brianne. I’m 24 years old and I weigh 202 (B: 46W:35H: 50). I’ve always been EXTREMELY insecure about the way I look (I’m a self basher and suffer from severe depression and anxiety) from my hair to my Feet, I’ve never liked the way I look. I thought I was so ugly (still do), And it didn’t help that Something very tragic happened to me and my family 2 years ago that really made me feel even more worthless and insecure (which I didn’t think could even happen) . Anyways Let me back up and start from the beginning so you can get the gist of what I’m talking about.
Okay so ever since I was a kid was always getting bullied and was treated very badly by damn near everyone around me. My father (who is an alcoholic and drug addict) verbally and physically abused me for a long time telling me that I was stupid and that I would never be shit and that I was a piece of shit.. My mother neglected me for a very long time because of her vices as well and it was very hard for me to deal with. . I started developing at age 7, so by the time I was in 3rd grade I had C cups. I was also taller than everyone else in my class for a minuet as well so I always was getting made fun of. I never thought I was pretty at all, in fact I thought I was the ugliest kid ever. When I was in the 6th grade I had a girl call me ugly in front of the whole class and I broke down and cried for almost an hour it was so bad that the teacher had to calm me down. I felt so worthless and insecure, in 10th grade my mom messed up my hair so bad I had to cut all of my hair off. I went to school the next day bald… I didn’t get made fun of too much for it (I actually look really good bald lol) but still when the people did talk about my hair it really got to me. Also my lack of friends didn’t help and the fact that I’m socially awkward, I am a loner (not by choice btw) so I don’t have any friends (even today) all of my friends just stopped talking to me like I wasn’t good enough for them or they all ended up leaving me (by moving) so that was a big blow to my self esteem. When I was in the 11th grade I ended up transferring schools and I ended up meeting the one person who would end up eventually destroying my life and self esteem in the process.
We met two weeks after I transferred and ended up falling in love (hard). He was my whole world; I gave everything to him… my whole life. All my friends were his friends, he did everything for me. I became completely dependent on him for everything. I even moved out of my parent’s house to live with him when I was 17. I thought we were going to be together for the rest of our lives. We were together for 7 years (till 2011), I found out he cheated on me 3 days after our 7 year anniversary. It devastated me and made me feel so ugly, worthless, and not good enough. I felt like I deserved it because I was fat and ugly and useless. So we broke up but we were still talking and having sex occasionally. I was so in love with him. I loved him unconditionally (and I still do). He treated me like shit and said some horrible things to me after we broke up and I let him because I felt like I wasn’t worth a damn anyways and I knew what he was saying to me was true anyways (because that’s how I felt) so it was whatever. He made me feel like he was the only one who would ever want me and to this day I still believe that. In September 28th, 2011, 7 months after we broke up was the day that my life changed.
I was talking to my 15 year old sister (at the time) about my relationship with my ex and how we were going to get back together. She had a hostile look on her face so I asked her what she had against my ex and she wouldn’t answer me. I kept asking her to tell me why she didn’t like him and finally after 10 minuets she told me. I found out that he had been sexually molesting her for the past three years (since she was 12!) …..I was in shock. I couldn’t fathom this ever happening. I ran out the house screaming and crying, I couldn’t cope with what was happening. I called and confronted him but he denied it at first…I couldn’t take it. I immediately started self bashing saying “oh how could you be so fucking stupid” “you’re a horrible person”…That night I tried to commit suicide by OD (I’ve always been suicidal since I was a kid, this was my 5th attempt) I ended up being rushed in an ambulance to the hospital and then I was sent to a mental hospital and put on suicide watch. Those were the darkest days of my life. I felt so empty, guilty, pitiful and irresponsible. I couldn’t think really all I did was self bash the whole time “of course he would cheat on you, just look at you you’re a fucking ugly ass loser” “wow you’re so ugly he went running to your younger sister, you really are a fucking loser”. I would say those things to myself all the time after that. I was heart broken, I couldn’t believe that the one person I decided to put all my trust into after tearing down that big wall I had built to protect myself would hurt me like this and fucked up my life! So from that point on I have been struggling to love myself and build up my self esteem. Some days I can’t even move because I’m so mad at myself because I gave up everything for him, I left college for him, I never worked because he took care of me. I don’t have any friends at all because all the people I hung out with were his friends and I couldn’t talk to them at all after this because it was too painful. I just let my life wither away for a person who…I don’t even know anymore. Now I’m finding it difficult to function by myself. Most days I don’t leave the house except for my morning power walk. I used to be an artist, but I don’t draw anymore because I’m so depressed. I’m trying to love myself while picking up the broken pieces of my heart. Some days I’m really suicidal because I’m thinking about my future and it looks bleak, I’m trying to break the bad habit I have of relying on men to make me feel good about myself but it is difficult because it’s all I’ve ever known. I’ve lost 30 lbs and I still don’t think I am beautiful enough for anybody to ever want to be my friend or love me again. It’s a constant struggle and some days I don’t think I’m going to make it, but I pray and ask god for guidance and he has helped me through this difficult period in my life. I’m becoming a stronger and better person and hopefully I will get over this and finally learn to love myself as unconditionally as I love others. Me and my sister are going through this together since in affected both of our lives, she is my support (along with my mother).
This blog and others have also helped me become a little more confident with my self image. So thank you and remember we all go through hard times, but god loves us and thinks we are all BEAUTIFUL.
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