Hi. I have been wanting to submit here for the past couple weeks, and finally have scooped myself up and sat down at the computer to do it. I’m pretty messed up. I have depression that breaks out chronically and I cry and mutilate my body and cannot even tell why I am sad and only get angry with myself for abusing my body. It is a vicious and inescapable cycle. Most nights, I weak up in a cold sweat at least twice, and my dreams are quite disturbing, thanks to the medication I take to calm my depression. I have never loved my body. I can always pick out something wrong with it; even when I had starved myself to the point of being under 100 pounds, I still was not pleased and would have lost more weight if no one had intervened. My eating disorder still stalks me, like an unwanted shadow, everywhere I go, such that I still have not regained my monthly cycle(when a young girl’s body is too thin, her menstrual cycle shuts down, as there must be some fat tissue in the body for it to function). I also suffer from compulsive exercising. If I do not fit in at least 30min-hour of exercising, I go to bed angry with myself, and often purge the food that i had eaten that day. Not to mention that I am only 5 feet tall, i wear a size 4 shoes and my hands are the same size as my seven year old neighbor. Of course, that only contributes to making me feel small and is really detrimental for my self confidence. I’m not going to make this long, because then no one will read it and i have an important message.
Recently, I decided I’m done putting up with my problems and i am going to love my body and who i am, because God made me that way. I ordered Chinese food last week, and my fortune cookie read, “Accept yourself.” I have never received a better fortune. Some things in life you cannot change, and therefore they key to happiness is accepting yourself as you are. I plan to gain some weight in small increments, so that I can be comfortable with my body changing, and I want to be healthy and gain confidence to be the REAL ME, and i encourage others with similar stories to do the same.
