The above picture was taken about a month ago.
Hi, my name is Alexis, and this is my story.
Since middle school, people have always commented on my weight, telling me I need to eat more and put on a couple pounds, even at home, they would push the extra food and grab my hip bones and make jokes. On the other hand, people(albeit, as a joke) would call me “Fat ass,” “chubs,” “Fatty,” etc. Despite their joking tone and good intentions, this always hurt. I have always been an insecure person. I’m 5’10 with a relatively lanky build, and a small chest, so the first thing people say to me is something based on my appearance. With the anxiety that I have, my insecurities grew around the impression that they were all making fun of me for it.
As my teen years came, my eating and exercise patterns changed. I would go to the gym for at least an hour a day and my meals were always focused around calorie count and nutrition value. On top of that, my self-harm began to resurface with depression and anxiety. I was nervous all the time, and had mood swings that were damaging to myself and those around me. I was living in a world that was all about being thin.
To back up a little bit, some of you may ask why this was happening, and in my opinion, I was desperate for something that was my own. I had a horrible relationship with my family, I was, and always have been extremely reclusive towards them and tend to spit fire at them whenever they come close, and so they just started to let me do my own thing and stay out of my way. Luckily, my family ties are becoming more repaired these days, although they wildly fluctuate.
A couple weeks ago, I was informed that my heart was wearing away due to malnutrition and weight loss, if my heart rate got any lower, I would have to be hospitalized immediately. My life has been completely stopped. I don’t exercise, I visit the hospital once a week, I’ve gotten my 3rd therapist, and all of my meals have begun to be monitored, but despite that, I am much happier. I’m beginning to have comfort in my body, though I am not there yet, I’m determined to push through.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here for you.