This post is a big deal for me. It’s the first time anyone other than myself has seen these parts of my body. I actually had the photos ready for a few weeks till I found the courage to submit.
These are the parts of my body I feel the most uncomfortable with. My thighs, stomach, my upper arm, and the stretch marks on them. The stretch marks here aren’t as noticeable as they are sometimes. When they do become more visible I actually eat half the amount of food I usually would till they’ve gone down. I never reveal these parts of my body to anyone, apart from this. I often feel that if I didn’t have these stretch marks, I would feel better. I don’t mind being fat really, we are all different, so why should I be ashamed of something that helps make me, me?
But I haven’t always felt like this.
I’ve been fat for a lot of my life, since I was about 10 (Now 18) And this is the biggest I’ve been. But the reason for me getting to this weight is partly due to something that happened when I was 13. After being ill one night and having diarrhoea, I needed the toilet before school the next day, but didn’t have a change to visit, and the need went during first lesson. Unfortunately, the need came back while going from one lesson to another, and as we can’t go to the toilet in the first and last 10 minutes of lesson, I had to wait. But, it didn’t work out like that, and I pooped myself in class. After disappearing in the toilet for the lesson, and break, I went to see if I could leave. Not thinking, I said I had only recently started to feel ‘sick’, (I felt so ashamed of myself that I couldn’t say directly what was wrong though they probably could have guess) so I was sent to lesson. While I had cleaned up, the smell was there, and after crying in lesson for feeling ‘ill’, I was eventually allowed to leave. Obviously, everyone knew. Since that day, most school mornings I had diarrhoea from fear and nervousness of it happening again. As well as when I am nervous for other reasons. The diarrhoea meant my body was processing my food quickly and not saving just the important stuff, leading to part of my weight gain. There wasn’t anything I could really do about this either.
People say to me to just eat ‘healthily’ or to exercise more, but these won’t exactly work. With my food not being digested as it should, my body won’t digest the important parts of healthy food, and as its keeping anything and everything rather than what it needs, exercise won’t make a lot of difference either. What I burn of is being replaced very quickly. One person I know actually once said to me ‘Don’t sit on the sofa all day eating cream cakes’. I was speechless. I use to have problems concerning eating. As a younger child, I was skinny, and it was often said to me/my parents, ‘She looks anorexic!’ while smiling, with my mum usually responding, ‘I know, don’t know where she gets it from!’ (Both my parents were fat too) When at home I ate lots of junk, and would be told ‘That will make you fat you know if you carry on, people won’t comment on you being skinny much longer’ this in my young head turned into ‘I can’t eat in front of people or they’ll think I’m fat’ so for years of school I never ate, and ate loads of junk at home. Even now I am simply not hungry when out during the day most of the time. I also eat less at home now as a few years back I felt being fat was the end of the world, and so tried to eat only what was necessary, but I soon realised that wasn’t good for me. Food is no longer an issue.
After following this blog for about a year, I’ve realised that I shouldn’t hate my body because well, I have one. How can I hate something that keeps me alive? let’s me do what I want? Lets me be me? I don’t love myself just yet though, mainly due to this body parts above. But I know I can do it. I now look in the mirror and think ‘I look nice today’ rather than my old ‘…….Ewwww…….’ and I know soon I will look and say ‘I look amazing today!’ So thank you to everyone on this blog, you’ve helped me so much to accept myself for me, and to help me see where I’ve gone wrong for years.