TRIGGER WARNING: POVERTY, BULLYING/TEASING, EMOTIONAL ABUSE, SELF HATE, INFIDELITY
My name is Tamara and I am 27 years old. My body has been a struggle for me my entire life. Ive always been a touch chubbier than the girls in my class. I think I started being made fun of in grade 3 or 4. I remember a boy calling me “Tammie Timbit” and it was all downhill from there. The kids started chiming in and I was forever called fat or fatty after that. I remember going on a school trip and we were lining up for lunch and a boy behind me yelled out ” You should go to the end of the line so there’s food left for the rest of us!”. I remember being humiliated and so sad after that. I became very rebellious and covered myself in head to toe. Baggy everything. On top of feeling outcast because of my weight, I grew up in pretty severe financial straights. At the worst, my family lived 2 years with no water, heat, or electricity through 2 Canadian winters. Showering was always difficult and I had greasy unmanageable hair. We couldn’t afford new clothes therefore we were wearing thrift store clothes before that became the cool thing to do. I was teased for not having new clothes. And of course I became Tammie Timbit with the poor family.
My first real relationship was with a man who was 6 years older than me. I was 16 and he was 21. He offered me the world and I fell for him. But it didn’t take long for his possessive and abusive nature to latch me in for good. He would say ” You can never leave me” ” You will never find someone better than me” “if you ever leave me Ill track you down.”
If I ever wore a shirt that revealed even a slight amount of cleavage ( very difficult not to happen as I am an I36 cup) he would aggressively pull my top up in an attempt to cover it. He was controlling and jealous and eventually had me unable to hang out with friends alone, male or female. He would pressure me to have sex when I didnt want to and he would bug me so much I would just give in. I would lay there crying.
He eventually cheated on me after 7 years of being together. My self esteem took a massive plunge. It wasn’t immediate but eventually I had the strength to leave him. I never turned back.
Then I started to find myself. I learned how to live without being sheltered by a man. I learned to take care of myself. I was still very self conscious with low self esteem but I made a conscious effort to try to love myself. I did the ol’ FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT technique where I would simply walk with my head high and pretend nothing bothered me. Pretended like I was confidant as anything. And then one day I realized I wasn’t trying hard to feel that way anymore that I started to like the way I looked.
I began dating the best looking man I have ever met. He is still the love of my life. He makes me feel amazing. Through sites like tumblr I began realizing that people would compliment me. I started to learn to STOP ASSUMING STRANGERS IN PUBLIC ARE LOOKING AT YOU AND JUDGING YOU- THEY COULD VERY WELL BE DOING THE VERY OPPOSITE- THEY COULD BE INTRIGUED BY YOU!
I have discovered that fashion is such a motivator for me. Years of never having the new things have made me very inventive and people seem to get excited about that. I have very positive feedback for my amateur “Outfits Of The Day” on Instagram (girliegunshow) and dressing creative and fun also plays a huge role in my confidence level.
Im not 100% confidant all the time, and sometimes I want just stay home and not have to get dressed and go in public, but I truly feel if you are happy 80% of the time your doing alright, everyone’s allowed to have down days.
I live my life now trying to help as many people as I can. I cant save the world but if I can change one persons views on the way they look/feel I want to be there. My blog is body positive and my ask box is always open for support and encouragement.
If there is one last thing I can offer is, leave everything negative behind you and just TRY and change your life. TRY and learn the beautiful life of loving yourself.