TRIGGER WARNING: self-harm/hate, suicide, bullying, abuse.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I feel so ugly. I pick at the parts of my face I hate the most, I look down at my body and question “why did I have to grow into this?” I don’t like my feet, I don’t like my nose, I don’t like my neck, I don’t like my breasts, I don’t like my bum and I don’t like my stomach.
When I was in High School my peers thought I was a boy with long hair from behind; then from the front as well when I had my hair cut short. I was bullied about how long my hair was, then how short it was. I was bullied about how long my legs were and how tall I am, about the bump in my nose, the size of my breasts, my big lips, the way I spoke, the way I wore my uniform, my puppy fat/not flat enough stomach, the way that when I looked down it looked like I had a double chin. I never tried to be what they all wanted me to be. (TRIGGER: DEPRESSION/BULLYING).But I became more and more depressed because of it. I covered my face with my hair and scarves, always walked with my head down, slouched where ever I went. My bullies would steal my bags at lunch times and hide them, so I was often late for lessons. They’d throw rubbish at me when they saw me in the halls, put gum, glue and stickers in my hair, throw stones/bricks/broken glass at me outside of school. They’d make up songs for when I got on the school bus and sing them in unison. One boy even pushed me down between the seats, piled people’s bags on top of me and stamped on my neck. If he saw me at the park with his friends he’d corner me, drag me to the floor and kick me in the stomach while calling me stupid, ugly and worthless; asking why I didn’t just kill myself and threatening to kill me. No one stopped him, they just laughed or threw things.
(TRIGGER: SELF HARM). I started self harming when I was 10. My dad had just come out of prison and I knew he wasn’t coming home. The teachers never did anything to prevent the bullying and sometimes they would demean me in front of my bullies by calling me stupid (usually for being too nervous to answer questions). I was looking forward to High School because maybe there would be more people like me, but they didn’t find me first.
(TRIGGER: SUICIDE/SEXUAL ABUSE). My school years were my worst years. After many lies, fights, fake friends and self-harming/suicide attempts I was free and I was starting college after the summer. College was amazing, the people in my course were amazing and I’ve made life-long friends, but I also made some enemies. I met the boy who stole my innocence from me while I was passed out from drinking too much. I met the boy who controlled everything I did through sick lies, guilt trips and threats of violence. I met some of the people who would stalk and harass me for months. I met the boy who made me change my physical appearance through verbal abuse. I met the man who stole my heart in one day, makes me feel incredible every day, helped me through horrible traumas, who I know is my soul mate and we will be together for the rest of our lives.
Today I still suffer with Severe Depression and Border-line Anxiety Disorder. Tomorrow I’m going to the Doctors for a review of my mental health and medication. I’m asking them to help me get Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and with that I hope is the first and best step to ending the hatred of myself. No one punishes you as much as you do.
Today I have amazing friends, an even more amazing boyfriend, a great family life and an almost fully rebuilt relationship with my dad. (We’re going to Japan this summer ^_^). I’m using my creative abilities to design and paint t-shirts and creating a portfolio of my best photography to start making postcards.
Although I still have very down days, and my depression sometimes gets the better of me, I haven’t self harmed in over 2 years and I’m slowly making my way to happiness.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I feel so ugly. I pick at the parts of my face I hate the most, I look down at my body and question “why does the ball of my foot do that?” I don’t like my feet, I don’t like my nose. But I love my eyes, my cheeks, my legs, my hips, my arms, my hands and fingers. I love my hair, my back and my lips. I love my ears and my eyebrows. I’m learning to love my small breasts and I’m doing more exercise to tone my stomach and butt muscles. I eat healthily and rarely consume alcohol. Even though life brings the odd hick-up every now and then everything is much sweeter.
I took this picture today because I woke up feeling beautiful. And so should you.