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Hello, I’m Anna and I am 16 years of age.This is my story.
I remember it so clearly. I was only 10 but I remember it like it were yesterday. I had a best friend, Emma. I was with her all the time. My best friend and neighbor. So it was almost an understood that her older brother, 15, would babysit me and my siblings. Shortly I realized that he felt something differently with me. He liked me most it seemed. Always wanted to be on my team for hide-n-seek, always wanted to make sure I got to sleep okay. I remember one time specifically that didn’t feel right. He crawled in bed with me, like he had a few other times, but this time was different. He touched me. All over. I didn’t think it seemed right. Actually, I knew it wasn’t right. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I got out of my bed and said I had to go to the bathroom. I stood there looking at myself in the mirror. That was the first time I hated what I saw looking back at me. That was the first time I ever hated myself. I stood there and cried. After composing myself I went back into my bed and endured it again. The touching. Lying there wanting to cry. What was I supposed to do? I was so little and he was so big. I told myself he could hurt me. So I endured it. I knew it was wrong, but I LET it happen. After that I dreaded him babysitting every time. I hated it. I would beg my parents to stay home and not go out. The touching started happening more frequently. When we would play hide-n-seek he would feel my behind. I wanted to tell him to stop, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to end all of this. He was at least 2 feet taller than me, and 100 pounds heavier. I was a little ant compared to him. After a year or so my parents realized that we were old enough to stay home by ourselves when they would go out, thankfully. I didn’t have to endure that pain anymore, but it still haunted me. I built up a guard where I would forget what he did. I was amazed at myself how much I had forgotten from my past. Sadly this guard was broken at the age of 14. I remembered. Suddenly. I remembered, everything. I still struggle with all those feelings I felt in that bathroom that awful night, today. At age 16, my parents know and I go to therapy. But that pain, that hurt, that feeling of worthlessness, that never goes away.
After all of this I have never ever felt good about myself. This made me feel all around horrible about myself. When I look in the mirror I fight back tears. All I see is an ugly worthless little girl starring back at me. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about dying. I started cutting at the age of 14, I’m trying to recover but I slip up at times. I’m trying to stay positive and love my body but it’s very hard at times. I am trying though, and that has to come to something, right?
Want to talk to me? http://itssannna.tumblr.com/
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