Trigger Warning: bullying/emotional abuse, starvation
Hi, I’m Soumia and I’m 16 :]
This is the only recent full body shot I have. I look carefree right? Like I have no worry in the world? I always look like that. I try my best to feel happy, for it to radiate out of me but people never notice the darkness that I keep crushing inside.
I wish that I wasn’t so tall. I’m nearly 5’8 and I wish I was the same height as the average. Even though I’m 127 lbs, I sometimes wish I could lose a bit of fat, I see it but nobody else notices.
I was never bullied until Year 4, when I moved from my old Primary school to another one. There was this girl, Nicola, who would do anything to make me feel bad. At the time I was a normal kid; I liked to play and run around, but what she did to me changed my life.
I went to secondary school with the labels ‘Bitch, weirdo, lanky, freak,’. The insults just kept coming and coming. My mom started working and that left me completely alone with my brother. My brother got influenced by the kids at school, and still does, and hurls the insults back at me:
“Oh you have no friends, friendless”
“You’re ugly, Soumia”
My dad would play hours with my brother on the PS2, and I would spend hours alone on the computer, talking to people online. I was nine. I was so lonely; I craved for friendship. I craved to talk to somebody, anybody.
I grew up with my online friends, some of them I’m still friends with, others have just moved on. School didn’t get any better; I was still a freakshow.
I moved to Algeria 2 years ago, in 2009. That was when things started to get worse. I hated my new life, my new school. I hated moving all the time. I lived in Brazil for 6 months in 2008, moved back to London, then went to Algeria…I didn’t feel stable at all.
I practically starved myself. I was so thin. I weighed around 110lbs, maybe less, I don’t remember. I had no friends. I was popular only because I used to live in London. I never felt so alone.
I went to London and slowly started to regain my weight back. With the support of my mum who kept on force feeding me, I felt my strength come back. I currently take calcium and omega-3 tablets to help my body be stronger and back to it’s shape (recommended by a doctor, of course)
I realized today, when I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, and smiled for no reason at all: “Why are you putting yourself down so much? You’re beautiful. You have beautiful brown eyes, beautiful Mediterranean skin colour, beautiful curves, beautiful smile.”
And I don’t care anymore. You can shout and swear and insult as much as you like about my body or about my personality but I know that I’m a good person. Everyone is beauitful in their own way, even Nicola. She was a foster kid; no wonder she felt the need to bully. She felt lonely too.
So look at yourself in the mirror and say “I’m beautiful. I have beautiful eyes. Beautiful skin. Beautiful hair. Beautiful EVERYTHING.”
You only live once, don’t live your life hating yourself.